Wednesday, February 15, 2012

The Green-Eyed Monster


“Jealousy, that dragon which slays love under the pretence of keeping it alive.”       – Havelock Elis
We are all familiar with the story: Boy meets girl, they start dating, fall in love. They enjoy the warm fuzzy feelings of newfound love - the butterflies in the tummy, the excitement of new experiences, the anticipation of things to come. This is the fleeting period of time where caution is thrown to the wind and you’re head over heels in love. You feel on top of the world and enjoy the validation of your new identity as a “significant other” to someone else! Fast forward about 6 months, however, and the dynamic has changed. The butterflies in your tummy have been replaced with tight knots. The carefree feelings in your mind have been replaced with paranoia and anxiety. Jealousy has taken its toll and has poisoned your relationship. Your love starts to feed on the required sense of need and possession, as opposed to the freedom and trust it once had. Now your sense of security is at risk. The poison has clouded your judgement. You start to compare, you feel threatened, you imagine the worst-case scenario. The poison of jealousy is getting stronger, and you are teetering on the edge of being altogether toxic. There is a reason why my post, Passion/Poison has been the most-read and shared post of all time – toxic love relationships are dangerously easy to find yourself in; and jealousy is the biggest trap of all.

At its core, I believe jealousy is plainly and simply a personal insecurity. We perceive the appearance, personality, or strengths of others as threats to our own well-being. To have this distorted perception in life is to be lacking in self-worth and value. Maybe you were hurt badly in past relationships, or perhaps you are healing from growing up with an absent parent, or maybe you were wounded by addictions or abuse – the unfortunate truth of the matter is that we all have been hurt and wounded in some way, and we have the emotional scars to prove it.

The problem with letting these past hurts effect our current lives and relationships is that we choose to continue to be a victim. We continue to believe the lie that was told to us in the past that made us start to question our value and worth. You carry the lie with you into relationship after relationship, and therefore the cycle continues. You believe you are unworthy of being treated properly because you were not shown this in the past, so you believe that your partner will find someone better than you to love. This is a lie. This is a poison that will slowly but surely kill your love and your relationship. When you feel that familiar emotion of jealousy creep into your tummy – recognize right away and own the FACT that it is never about the other person, it is always about something deep inside of you that still needs to be healed. Hold yourself accountable for your reactions and turn your attention inward. Replace the lie with truth. “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” Romans 12:21

Along with insecurity, jealousy is often nothing more than the fear of abandonment. Be being jealous, we attempt to control our partner and as such prevent any possibility of getting hurt by them. In order for love to flourish, we need to allow our partner the freedom to be exactly who they are, and this includes allowing them to do anything they choose to do.  Sometimes we think we need to make our partner be a certain way in order for us to remain secure in our relationship. We try to maintain control of them with the clever use of flirting, manipulation, deceit, lies and games.  Sure, this may work temporarily, but it’s only going to get you so far before your partner starts to resent you due to their lack of freedom. Do NOT allow anyone to manipulate you in the name of love. It’s a matter of acceptance of what “is” and trusting the natural order of the universe and the will of God and His plans for you and your partner. “The one who loves you, loves you just the way you are. Because if someone wants to change you, it means you are not what that person wants. You cannot change other people. You love them or you don’t. You accept them the way they are, or you don’t. To try to change them to fit what you want them to be is like trying to change a dog for a cat, or a cat for a horse.” Don Miguel Ruiz, The Mastery of Love.

To cure jealousy is to see it for what it is – a dissatisfaction with self. Do not let this green-eyed monster poison your love and your relationship. Use every instance of jealousy in your relationship as an opportunity to turn your attention inward and heal, and to replace lies with truth. Only then will you truly be able to experience love in the way God intended it be enjoyed – love as a truly freeing and beautiful experience to be shared with not only your partner, but to everyone you encounter in the world.


"Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value.  Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you.  There is only one alternative - self-value.  If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved.  You will always think it's a mistake or luck.  Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within.  Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences.  Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security.  Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them."        ~Jennifer James

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