Thursday, April 25, 2013

Tender And I Know It



I’ve been labeled many different things in my life, but the one that has seem to stuck over the years is “tender” (or “tender bear”, if you will). I seem to have developed this reputation of being tender by consistently wearing my heart on my sleeve, and being unafraid to be transparent with my emotions (much to the dismay of my closest friends who’ve had to deal with me at my most tender!). What can I say, it’s just who I am. Whatever I feel emotionally, I feel incredibly strong. I’ll cry at commercials, I’ll laugh way too loud at the movies at a funny scene, I’ll raise my arms and cry hallelujah in Worship at Church. I will write on both sides of your birthday card and tell you how much you mean to me. I’ll cry when I read your birthday message to me. Perhaps I’m genetically predisposed to this condition. My mother and sister are the exact same way. It’s been so serious that we have made it a habit to read our birthday cards alone at home to spare ourselves from the awkwardness of a public tear-fest, as being a “tender bear” is not the most socially acceptable of traits. We’re conditioned by society to stifle away whatever our hearts start to reveal – to tuck away our naivety and vulnerability and wear your poker face. “It’s a dog eat dog world out there,” and  “You’ll never survive with a tender heart like that. Grow a thicker skin” are some common rebukes towards the tender bears of this world. But I disagree. I say don’t tame the tender. Don’t tuck away your vulnerability. To be “weak” is to be strong in my opinion.

A common human response to trauma or painful experiences in life is to harden your heart, to build up a barrier around yourself to deflect any future threats. This self-protective stance may escalate into bitterness, and unwillingness to trust. Or maybe you were always taught that “big girls don’t cry”, so you’ve conditioned yourself to stifle your emotions and hide them away from the world. They are never validated and felt fully, rather they are numbed out and hidden. This path may eventually lead you to completely numb yourself of feeling ANY emotions at all (even the good ones).  My take on this is the opposite. I feel that all emotions are valid (although sometimes unjustified, it still arises for a reason). The more you accept and recognize your emotions as they arise, the more you learn about yourself and the stronger and more self-controlled you become. You learn to avoid pitfalls in life by not acting on sinful emotions (jealousy, lust, envy, resentment, etc), and you gain the ability to truly feel joy and love in the present moment, which is so readily accesible to you. A person that is unafraid of revealing their emotions and vulnerabilities will eventually learn to be compassionate towards others, to love others fully, to be gentle, soft, kind, patient, self-controlled.  Compare this a person who chooses to stifle or invalidate their emotions, wherein they become cold, bitter, resentful, numb. Which of the two people sounds like the stronger person? Hmm….?

I don’t need to tell you that the world we live in is a mad one. Painful experiences and traumatic situations unfortunately are all part of the paths that each one of us is on. We can’t avoid them. We live in a fallen, broken world full of sinners like you and me. Choose to act counter-culturally and continue to be vulnerable. Tender bears of the world unite!  Put on only the armour of God, and live fully and freely, accepting yourself and all that you are every day every hour. Liberate yourself from the chains of bitterness. Let your heart beat wild and free – and wait for the joy to pour into it.  

"To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.” – Criss Jami

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Don't Miss Out

 "This is the day that the Lord has made;
    let us rejoice and be glad in it."
Psalm 118:24

It’s Friday evening. You are curled up on the couch with your favorite cup of tea. You are ready to enjoy some rest and relaxation after a long week of work. You are about to scroll through your list of recordings on your PVR, but first decide to scroll through your Facebook newsfeed. That’s when it hits you…BAM!  You quickly discover some of your friends are enjoying a glass of wine at a trendy lounge (hmm. Where was my invite? You wonder…) Then KA-BAM!  Your neighbour posts her photo album from her luxurious vacation in Fiji (*sigh* I wish I could travel more, you ponder...) Then before you pick yourself up from that deflation BOOM! Your co-worker announces her surprise engagement.  That’s it! You’re officially defeated. Your lovely evening of peace and solitude no longer seems as appealing as all of the other fun and exciting things going on with the rest of the people know. Your heart races, your eyes well up in tears, and your stomach twists. What’s wrong with me? You exclaim. I can tell you – you are dealing with a case of FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out).

The New York Times defines FOMO or “fear of missing out,” as “the blend of anxiety, inadequacy and irritation that can flare up while skimming social media like Facebook, Twitter, Foursquare and Instagram.”  This immediate connection to hundreds of people’s lives often leads us to the discontent of our own lives, when they pale in comparison to others. Succumbing to these unhealthy FOMO feelings caused by a virtual world will often penetrate through to real life, and affect the quality of our relationships and how we view ourselves.

It’s important to adapt with the changes that different stages of life will bring you and the people in your life, and not to get caught up in comparing. It seems that we are constantly stimulated through social media and made aware of all the ways our life COULD be different than it is now, instead of simply being grateful for all that we are blessed with currently and enjoying our own personal journey.

The other side of this issue is that when we are suffering from these fears of missing out on something great, we often over-commit ourselves to the point of burn out. We eagerly accept every invite out, we plan event after event to keep our calendars full and exciting, we come home from one vacation and promptly plan the next one. Why can't we just SLOW DOWN? Why can't we be OK with where we are in our life with who is in it? Why can't we just LIVE each day fully and passionately, accepting whole-heartily the fact that we are exactly where we should be, doing exactly what we are doing? Often our expectations of how things should be cause a restlessness in the way things actually are. The more we resist the way things ARE, the more pain and frustration we feel. Less joy. Less peace. "If you could only keep quiet, clear of memories and expectations, you would be able to discern the beautiful pattern of events. It's your restlessness that causes chaos." – Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

In this day and age, it’s more important than ever to make peace with the peace. Make it a priority to disconnect yourself from the digital world and from engaging yourself into the social lives of others. Live each day joyfully and gratefully. Appreciate the simple pleasures, notice the small things. When you live this way, even the most ordinary routine days are something to celebrate. In my post “Keeping Up”  I spoke about the dangers of comparison. Don’t miss out on your OWN life. Slow down. Trust that God is working in your life right now in the exact moment. Trust His timing, and trust His process. In the meantime, make peace with the peace.
“To live your best life now, you must learn to trust God’s timing, you may not think He’s working, but you can be sure that right now, behind the scenes, God is arranging all the pieces to come together to work out His plan for your life.” - Joel Olsteen