Ok I'm going to just say it - I've been in a toxic relationship before; and I know I'm not alone here when I confess that. It's not something I pride myself on, but thakfully I've gained a lot of wisdom and learning experience from it. Toxic relationships are flat out painful, and real love is not supposed to be painful. Toxic relationships lead to a dead end, a broken heart, a bruised ego, and many other unattractive bits and pieces of yourself torn apart and scattered which you must piece back together with time. It's UGLY, and my heart goes out to you if you have ever been in one yourself, or know anyone who has.
Toxic relationships happen when one or both partners are not complete on thier own. They enter relaitionships from a place of need - they need the other person to make them feel special and loved because they are lacking that in themselves (and in many cases were deprived of that from one or both of thier parents). They look to their partner to meet all thier needs, and they'll set unrealistc expectations of them to meet. They are broken inside, and they need healing. This person may not even be aware of the healing that needs to be done, and so they continue to enter into the same types of relationships with the same types of people that will continue the cycle of hurt, because they feel they somehow still deserve it. They haven't dealt with the problem once and for all, so it keeps rising to the surface again and again...
So how do you know if you are currently in a toxic relationship or not? Here is a short list of the characteristics of Love vs. Toxic Love (Credit to Melody Beattie & Terence Gorski):
1. Love - Development of self is first priority.
Toxic love - Obsession with the relationship.
2. Love - Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow.
Toxic love - Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love.
3. Love - Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships.
Toxic love - Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.
4. Love - Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure in own worth.
Toxic love - Preoccupation with other's behavior; fear of other changing.
5. Love - Appropriate Trust
Toxic love - Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition.
6. Love - Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together.
Toxic love - Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation.
7. Love - Embracing of each other's individuality.
Toxic love - Trying to change other to own image.
9. Love - Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood.
Toxic love - Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other.
10. Love - Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.)
Toxic love - Fusion (being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings.)
12. Love - Ability to enjoy being alone.
Toxic love - Unable to endure separation; clinging.
If you refer to my post "I Didn't Learn That in School" you'll remember how I said that the universe will present to you what you need to learn. Sadly, if you are in need of healing and have some growing to do, with unfailing kindness, a person will come into your life in which you will get the opportunity to do that. With each goodbye you will (well, you should!) LEARN. You learn, you heal, you re-evaluate your choices, and you gain better discernment for next time. That's just life and part of growing up. You're definately not alone *cough*...
Toxic relationships happen when one or both partners are not complete on thier own. They enter relaitionships from a place of need - they need the other person to make them feel special and loved because they are lacking that in themselves (and in many cases were deprived of that from one or both of thier parents). They look to their partner to meet all thier needs, and they'll set unrealistc expectations of them to meet. They are broken inside, and they need healing. This person may not even be aware of the healing that needs to be done, and so they continue to enter into the same types of relationships with the same types of people that will continue the cycle of hurt, because they feel they somehow still deserve it. They haven't dealt with the problem once and for all, so it keeps rising to the surface again and again...
So how do you know if you are currently in a toxic relationship or not? Here is a short list of the characteristics of Love vs. Toxic Love (Credit to Melody Beattie & Terence Gorski):
1. Love - Development of self is first priority.
Toxic love - Obsession with the relationship.
2. Love - Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow.
Toxic love - Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love.
3. Love - Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships.
Toxic love - Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.
4. Love - Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure in own worth.
Toxic love - Preoccupation with other's behavior; fear of other changing.
5. Love - Appropriate Trust
Toxic love - Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition.
6. Love - Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together.
Toxic love - Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation.
7. Love - Embracing of each other's individuality.
Toxic love - Trying to change other to own image.
9. Love - Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood.
Toxic love - Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other.
10. Love - Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.)
Toxic love - Fusion (being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings.)
12. Love - Ability to enjoy being alone.
Toxic love - Unable to endure separation; clinging.
If you refer to my post "I Didn't Learn That in School" you'll remember how I said that the universe will present to you what you need to learn. Sadly, if you are in need of healing and have some growing to do, with unfailing kindness, a person will come into your life in which you will get the opportunity to do that. With each goodbye you will (well, you should!) LEARN. You learn, you heal, you re-evaluate your choices, and you gain better discernment for next time. That's just life and part of growing up. You're definately not alone *cough*...
When you come to the time in your life where you are complete and whole on your own, lacking nothing - that is the best time to enter into a relationship if so desired, and again, the universe can and will present you a special someone when the time is right. I'm still waiting patiently by the way... ;-)
"Consider it all joy...and let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." - James 1:2-4
LOVE! Amen sista! Like I said to you earlier. It's amazing, reading this, as we look back at past relationships and how much we can really only relate to toxins. It's sad BUT.... like you said, if it's goodbye, we always 'should' learn and move forward. Definitely part of growing up and just part of life!
ReplyDeleteThat's one (of many) of my most favorite Bible verses, fits perfectly for this psot! Beautifully written...(and LK too!) Love love love!!!! xo
Hey Girl:
ReplyDeleteYour words are not only heartfelt and wise, but obviously well researched and proven to be true. I commend you for continuing to search within. Your strength and perserverence is admirable. Someone once said" If you don't go within, you go without." God lives within and if we faithfully let him pilot, he will guide us into the direction of our greatest love.
It's about listening to your heart but discerning between temptation and that which is best for us. Your heart may tell you to get back together with an old love, or hang out with an unhealthy friend. These heart messages may be temporary fixes to alleviate pain or continue being the comfortable co-dependent. Nonetheless it is God's message inside that we must listen to, not the voice of temptation that often guides our heart. Most of the time the God message for me is the tougher of the two and that's how I know which one is which. Staying away from unhealthy patterns and past behaviour is key. Being strong enough to break a cycle and grow independantly as you suggested is the God message. It's tough but so fulfilling!
I hope this makes sense. Linds, I went through years of abuse and pain. I blamed others, I resented the abuser, then eventually I had an epiphany. WE ONLY LET OTHERS ABUSE US TO THE EXTENT WE ABUSE OURSELVES!!!! It was me all along who needed to ask myself why I allowed another to control me and hurt me. It was because I was out of control and felt somehow that I deserved it. Sometimes this realization alone was enough to start healing. Again...it's not me any more who pilots my life. When my heart starts leading me astray I ask for guidance and Voila!!!!!!!!!
God Bless and thanks for your beautiful blog.
Marcey
"Thank God I found the "good" in goodbye."
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