What About Your Friends?

"Be not deceived, bad company corrupts good morals" 1 Corinthians 15:33

When I was growing up in elementary and junior high, I had a hard time finding good friends. At that age, it was more important to me to be friends with someone cool, pretty, or popular, then someone kind, honest, and with good morals. I remember getting in several arguments with my mother about the friends I chose to spend time with. I can still hear her saying “I don’t want you hanging out with that girl. She’s a bad influence on you. You are not allowed to go and spend time with her this weekend. NO!” I would be so livid at my mother, thinking “you can’t pick who my friends are! You don’t know anything! You are sooo mean mom!” Well thank God for my mother. I have carried those high standards through to my adult life, and I am now surrounded by the most genuine, honest, stand-up, life-long girlfriends a girl could ever ask for.  You see, when I was younger I thought it was more important to have 100 “friends” to have fun with and be seen with, because I thought it would make my life seem more fun and fulfilling. As I got older, I realized it truly is quality over quantity, and that the friends you choose to surround yourself with really does play a major role in your future success and quality of life.

Time is such a precious commodity in our lives. We have barely enough time to eat and sleep properly, let alone spend any quality time with our friends. Time is valuable. Time is a gift you can give to someone. Who are you spending your time with? Who do you value in your life? Apart from spending time with my husband and family, I personally choose to spend my spare time nurturing those friendships that continue to grow and blossom, with those friends that are for life.

The old saying is true, people do come into your life for either a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Your future happiness and quality of life strongly rely on your ability to decipher what person fits into which place in your life. I’ve spent many unfortunate years hanging desperately onto partners that were only there for a particular reason (to learn). I’ve also enjoyed summers and winters and entire school-years with wonderful friends that were placed in my life for a short season. Think carefully about who are your LIFETIME people, and chose to prioritize your time with them.

Just as relationships can be toxic and unhealthy, so can friendships. Friendships are relationships just like any other. They are a two-way street, and involve trust, compromise, understanding, honesty, and integrity. Friendships are give and take. Ideally, friendships are a gift from God, given to help you grow, to pick you up when you are weak, to cheer you on when you are rising, to build your character.  Hanging onto unhealthy friendships can cause negative impact on your life. They may hold you back from growing and excelling, they stunt your growth. They may criticize or make fun of you as you make positive changes in your life. When a friendship becomes one-sided, or unhealthy in any way, have the courage to realize that taking a step away and creating boundaries and distance is a very wise decision.

I’ve heard of several instances of people that were on a path to healing from past addictions. As they got clean, they often lost many friends, and found themselves lonely. The friends they had while struggling with addictions no longer had anything in common with them as they went clean. Sometimes, those friends would even discourage them from quitting, and put pressure on them to have “just one more” and to lighten up. The results of keeping these friendships are obvious. In my case personally, as I got older and stronger in my faith, I had firmly in place a set of moral codes and standards that I chose not to sway from. It became crucial to me to surround myself only with people that would hold me accountable to those morals – and not lead me in the other direction.  I had a tough job of establishing boundaries and distance to those people that I felt were unhealthy for me to spend time with, those that would possibly lead me astray, or into a situation that is tempting and against what I now morally allow into my life.

With all of this being said, please take to heart that it does not mean you should be rude to people that were once your friends, or to be disrespectful or unloving in any way to someone who has different beliefs than you. We are called to be the Light of the world, and to love your neighbour! It’s not wrong to hang out with people that are on a bad path, that need a good friend, and to be a positive influence in their life. Rather, it’s more important to have the awareness of what sort of role people are playing in your life, and to maintain your boundaries, and choose how you spend your time wisely.

I cannot say enough about the quality of friends I have in my life. A very small group of women, that have seen me through many of life’s battles. They shared countless fun times with me, they have picked me up off the ground and dusted me off, they challenged me, they helped me to grow, they taught me things about myself and about life, they made me a stronger more patient and compassionate person, they were my biggest supporters when I stepped out into my faith, and they were there wiping tears of joy at my wedding when I moved forward into the next stage of my life. My girlfriends are for a lifetime. And each one has the hugest place in my heart and my life. There is nothing I would not do for my friends. Thank you girls, you know who you are, I love you dearly.

“A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow.”  - William Shakespeare

“Do not set foot on the path of the wicked or
walk in the way of evil men. Avoid it, do not travel on it; turn
from it and go on your way.” Proverbs 4:14-15 NIV

A Year of Going His Way

One year ago today, I made a public declaration of my faith in Jesus Christ by being baptised. It was a choice I made for no one but myself, in obedience to what I felt the Lord had placed on my heart to do so. I will never forget the day, sunny without a cloud in the sky, surrounded by my closest friends. By taking this step to rid myself of my past once and for all, I felt so LIBERATED and free, and so excited to start a whole new chapter in my life.

It is exactly one year later today, and I can't begin to list the gigantic changes that have been in my life. I have been transformed in every possible way. I must clarify however - I am still very much ME, with all my quirks and failures and weaknesses, but, there is something remarkably DIFFERENT about myself that I cannot articulate at all. To be in line with God's will for your life is a peace that nothing else in this world can provide you. Lord knows (as do my good friends) that I am a planner, I like details and being organized and prepared. But once I found myself smack dab in the centre of God's will for my life, all my planning worries merely drifted away…as HE made the plans for me.

God's plans are perfect, through and through. My plans are messy, frustrating and complicated. God's plans are simple, easy, like a walk in the park on a sunny day. My plans are stressful, tense, and usually end in tears and arguments. Once I let go of MY plans for my life and let God write the script, the story unfolded gracefully and easily - like a fairy tale come true. You see there are certain things you cannot plan in life. The sooner you surrender your plans to the One who is in control the sooner you are on your way to peace and fulfillment.

I must disclose however - God's plans do not guarantee me a free ride, and a life of unicorns and rainbows. Oh no. Quite the opposite in some respects. But the peace of knowing you are finally in the right spot and right where He needs you to be far surpasses everything else YOU think will be fulfilling to you.

So on this one year anniversary, I just want to give a big HALLELUJAH to the One that set me free! And the least I could do on this special day is share the good news with others, in hopes they may find their way as well. :)

AMEN!!!! xo

The New Chapter

"Other people are going to find healing in your wounds. Your greatest life messages and your most effective ministry will come out of your deepest hurts.” - Rick Warren

First of all, I want to say HELLO to all my dedicated readers and supporters. It’s been a while since my last post, and I thought I would reconnect with you first by catching you up on where I am and where I am going with this blog.

The last 6 months I’ve been blessed with a completely new stage of life. It is as though all the hard personal work and healing and praying I did for the past year and a half all came to fruition at once. My prayers have been answered in such a way that I cannot even begin to articulate. I feel blessed beyond measure. The only way I can describe this period of my life is “a miracle”. Problems that I thought to be impossible to fix vanished overnight. Questions that I had about how things would ever turn around suddenly made perfect sense. Dreams I would ponder on and add to my proverbial “bucket list” were being ticked off at record speed. Not only did the Lord connect me with my life partner and future husband, He completely transformed every facet of my life in the process. Needless to say, I’ve been on quite the whirlwind of an adventure and haven’t had a lot of time to post on my blog!

With all this being said, I am happy to be in a position again to have some time to share with you. If you haven’t read any posts of mine before, here is an idea of what it’s about:

I’m not a professional writer, I didn’t go to school for this. I don’t know anything about web design or how to make it successful. I don’t have any desire to make money online or sell anything for personal gain. All I know is that God placed it on my heart to serve others through sharing my stories.

I’m an open book. I am transparent and I am not afraid to express anything I’m feeling. Above all, my compassion for others is something I cannot justly articulate. My heart longs for others to live a life of uncommon joy, peace and love.

I don’t claim to know it all, and my life is not perfect. I do know, however, some of the Truths of life that are unchanging. I do know the word of the Lord endures and that my life has completely changed by welcoming Him into my heart and into my life. I do know that some things in life happen so perfectly that they could only be explained as a “divine intervention”. I do know that although we each have the freedom to make our own choices in life, the plans God has for you FAR FAR exceed your wildest dreams and goals. I continue to be shocked and amazed almost every day at how He worked literally every angle of my life together for my good, and far beyond anything I ever thought was achievable in my circumstances.

As my life changes started to arrive, so did the opportunities to put into practice some of the lessons I’ve learned. I will continue to make mistakes and poor choices. I will continue to fail and fall short of all that I know I am called to be. I will never be perfect and neither will my fiancé. This new chapter in my life has blessed me so greatly, and I am also very grateful for the challenges that have and will come up – as I know I am continually being shaped and prepared for even greater things.

It is my goal to have my blog encourage you along your own journey - to help you escape from self-defeating cycles, and to take the high road. To comfort you in knowing you are not alone. To share with you the love that overflows out of my own heart. To inspire you to live a life of inexpressible joy, as I am. I hope you enjoy reading it. J

  

This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun! 2 Corinthians 5:17

Open Hearts and Open Doors

I've always worn my heart on my sleeve. My emotions are never hidden. I'm rather transparent, really. I've allowed myself to be in a rather vulnerable position many times, and with that being said, what do ya know -I've had my heart shattered, many times. It's hard to bring yourself to such a place of vulnerability, but I believe it takes incredible strength and maturity to make yourself vulnerable. A vulnerable person is a fearless person. One of the most important gifts you can offer to yourself and everyone around you is an open heart. When your heart is open, love flows freely to us, and through us to others, while "a closed heart is the worst prison."

When you get your heart broken (which I'm sure you are all familiar with in one way or another), it's common to build yourself a protective coating around your heart. You fence it off with many walls and you wear your armour and shield to ward off any potential threats. You don't allow yourself to be vulnerable again, because that would mean it's possible for you to experience that painful heartbreak yet again. So you close your heart to protect yourself from any further rejection. With a closed heart, it's nearly impossible to allow love and happiness to penetrate through. You may become bitter, resentful, mistrusting, afraid. You start to second guess that you are even deserving of love (low self-worth) or that anyone can be trusted. You refuse to run the risk of revealing your heart to anyone and so you keep you guard up; not knowing all the while you are missing out on the opportunities to heal and experience real love. Opening your heart isn't easy; it means exposing to someone your scars from the past. But it is only through an open heart that you can find love again. With an open heart, you have room for growth, forgiveness, and change.

So how do you open your heart? Well, there are a number of ways to go about doing that. Here's a little checklist I made up to see if you are on the "open road":

- Have you properly grieved any loss/heartbreak you may have experienced? Before anything can happen properly, you need to do this. I'll be honest  here- it's pretty brutal. I will dedicate an entire post to getting through grief one day, I promise. But trust me - it is well worth the time and emotional investment to do this step thoroughly.

- Have you taken a lesson from your past relationships/heartbreaks? It may be time to do a bit of self-reflection and analysis here. How have you contributed to the demise of the relationship? What could you do differently in the future? Were there red flags in the relationship that you may have ignored? What changes, if any, do you need to make in order to prevent this from happening again?

- FORGIVE FORGIVE FORGIVE. Forgive yourself for any mistakes. Forgive the other person(s) involved in the heartbreak. Forgive God for allowing it to happen (it was for your benefit after all). Forgive everyone, everything. If you do not forgive you will build up resentment in your heart, which is poison to your soul (see my "Soul Poison" post for more info). It's deadly stuff.

- Love yourself. Take the time to regain your emotional independence. Build up your self-worth and self-respect. Surround yourself with positive people that love you unconditionally.

 - MOVE ON. If you've properly completed the above steps, your heart should be in great shape. It's time to extend love to everyone. To get love, you must give love.Throw out positive energy to the universe.This is the time where the universal law  "you reap what you sow" comes into play. Keep your mind open, and your heart open, and stay positive. Love God, love yourself, love everyone that comes into your life. "Wherever you go, go with all your heart".

I've gone through this entire process, so I'm living proof that it works. Although I haven't yet found love again, I'm confident that I will. My heart overflows with love and peace and joy and fulfillment. So be unafraid to love or fail. Say the things you need to say to people, and don't hold back. Tell people you love them. Be vulnerable. Open your mind. Open your heart. Love.

"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things"

 1 Corinthians 13:7

PS. Please watch this entire video and listen to the words. This WILL be played at my wedding ;)

Soul Poison

When you are gripped with resentment towards anyone, it is like poison to your soul. It's been said that "resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die". It truly is an emotionally debilitating condition when unresolved. 

There are countless numbers of injustices in this world. Every day terrible things happen to good people. Everybody has a heart-breaking story they could tell you. All too often people are used, taken advantage of, humiliated, rejected, abandoned, lied to, mistreated, mislead, and disrespected. It's not fair, it's not right; but it's life, and no one said it was a joy ride. Nobody ever deserves it, but nobody is ever sheltered from it either.

When you hold resentment in your heart and soul, you are making someone else responsible for how you continue to feel NOW, even though the offense had taken place in the past. When you hold resentment in your soul, you will continue to HOLD ON to your feelings of hurt and will actually continue to grow in resentment with time. When you hold onto resentment, you are blocking the flow of love into your heart, and you won't be able to fully appreciate all that you currently have. When you hold onto resentment there are serious long-term effects and characteristics that you will eventually develop such as: hostility, a lack of personal and emotional growth, trouble trusting others, loss of self-confidence, and many other consequences that will become a barrier against healthy relationships with others. 

If you have been wronged in the past, and you haven't fully let go of that, please open your heart and take this into consideration: Nobody is perfect, we are all sinners. We have all been hurt at some time or another and I can guarantee you we all directly or indirectly have done something to hurt someone else. The ONLY solution to all of this can be summed up in one word: forgiveness. To forgive is to release the other person from being responsible for how we feel. By finding forgiveness, we are then free to LET GO of our pain. 

Forgiveness frees us from continuing to hold onto our pain. "When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free." Recognize that only YOU have the power to let go of your pain. Keep in mind that forgiveness does not make what happened to you okay. It doesn't free the other person from any burden or guilt they might be feeling from what they've done to you. It doesn't mean you to have to be friends with the person, and it doesn't even mean that you will forget about it. It means that you have found forgiveness in your heart so that you no longer have to suffer anymore from what happened in the past. That person has hurt you enough, why are you letting them continue to hurt you? Why are you letting your past dictate to your future? Why are allowing your suffering to continue while they are likely doing just fine in their lives? THAT is injustice. You have the power to  heal your heart, and cleanse your soul of that poison and get free. 

Take a second to be honest with yourself and evaluate how much of what you're feeling now has to do with the past, and how much has to do with the present. Choose to use your energy and emotions for healing and resolution. Find forgiveness. Find freedom. 

"If you hug to yourself any resentment against anybody else, you destroy the bridge by which God would come to you" 

- Peter Marshall 

Happiness has been delayed; arrival TBA

No matter what stage of life we are in, there always seems to be something that we feel we need to accomplish and/or attain before we can feel fully happy and content. Have you ever found yourself saying things like - I'll be happy when I find a new boyfriend; I'll be happy when I start making more money; I'll be happy when I'm finished my degree; I'll be happy when I lose weight; I'll be happy when I find a job I like, etc. It's almost as if happiness and contentment will be available to us once we reach a certain destination, and only then will life be good again. I can understand how these thoughts start innocently enough, because it's important to set goals for yourself and aim high and not settle, but it's even more important not to miss out on what's happening in your life right NOW... 

When you find yourself pre-occupied and focused on some future event, it's called postponing your life. You're postponing your life and your ability to be truly happy to a future date when then, oh then, you will finally get what you want and life will be good. It's a certain lack of acceptance of what "is". Right now you don't have what you want. You are somewhere in the middle. You feel you need and deserve something else. Maybe you see your friends get the things you want, so that contributes to your feelings of need even further. You may feel lonely, unfulfilled, empty, confused, frustrated, bored, and you are assuming and absolutely counting on the fact that when you get a boyfriend, move, have money, lose weight, etc you will no longer feel that way.

In Geneen Roth's book "Women Food and God" she explains that this idea of reaching a desired event and then counting on it bringing you happiness, you are living in a fantasy. She says these desired events are "fantasies in your mind and they are in the future, a future that never comes. Because when your goals are reached, they will be reached the "right now". And in the "right now" you will still be you, doing the same things you do now. You will stand up. Walk around. Get root canals. Open the refrigerator door. Sleep. Feel happy. Feel devastated. Feel lonely. Feel loved. Get old. Die."

It is simple: We are where we should be, doing what we should be doing. Otherwise we would be somewhere else, doing something different.  When you miss the present moment, you miss life. When you miss those moments because you'd rather be somewhere else doing something different, you are missing your own life.

It always comes back to this core truth: That no person, place, or thing can provide you lasting fulfillment and happiness. No one is charge of your happiness but yourself. Once you realize this, you learn to to put your energy into securing your happiness right here right now. You must CHOOSE to be be happy, content, and fulfilled right here and right now, regardless of your circumstances or current life situation.

God willing, you will get to that much desired next step, and you will get there on His terms and in His timing. You'll find that new boyfriend, you'll get a new job, you'll graduate from university - but if you can get to that destination feeling happy and fulfilled every step of the way, that truly is a beautiful life. Choose to live that way. :)