Passion/Poison

Ok I'm going to just say it - I've been in a toxic relationship before; and I know I'm not alone here when I confess that. It's not something I pride myself on, but thakfully I've gained a lot of wisdom and learning experience from it. Toxic relationships are flat out painful, and real love is not supposed to be painful. Toxic relationships lead to a dead end, a broken heart, a bruised ego, and many other unattractive bits and pieces of yourself torn apart and scattered which you must piece back together with time. It's UGLY, and my heart goes out to you if you have ever been in one yourself, or know anyone who has.


Toxic relationships happen when one or both partners are not complete on thier own. They enter relaitionships from a place of need - they need the other person to make them feel special and loved because they are lacking that in themselves (and in many cases were deprived of that from one or both of thier parents). They look to their partner to meet all thier needs, and they'll set unrealistc expectations of them to meet. They are broken inside, and they need healing. This person may not even be aware of the healing that needs to be done, and so they continue to enter into the same types of relationships with the same types of people that will continue the cycle of hurt, because they feel they somehow still deserve it. They haven't dealt with the problem once and for all, so it keeps rising to the surface again and again...


So how do you know if you are currently in a toxic relationship or not? Here is a short list of the characteristics of Love vs. Toxic Love (Credit to Melody Beattie & Terence Gorski):

1.   Love - Development of self is first priority.
     Toxic love - Obsession with the relationship.

2.   Love - Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow.
     Toxic love - Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love.

3.   Love - Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships.
     Toxic love - Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.

4.   Love - Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure in own worth.
     Toxic love - Preoccupation with other's behavior; fear of other changing.

5.   Love - Appropriate Trust 
     Toxic love - Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition.

6.   Love - Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together.
     Toxic love - Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation.

7.  Love - Embracing of each other's individuality.
    Toxic love - Trying to change other to own image.

9.   Love - Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood.
     Toxic love - Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other.

10.  Love - Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.)
      Toxic love - Fusion (being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings.)

 12. Love - Ability to enjoy being alone.
      Toxic love - Unable to endure separation; clinging.

If you refer to my post "I Didn't Learn That in School" you'll remember how I said that the universe will present to you what you need to learn. Sadly, if you are in need of healing and have some growing to do, with unfailing kindness, a person will come into your life in which you will get  the opportunity to do that. With each goodbye you will (well, you should!) LEARN. You learn, you heal, you re-evaluate your choices, and you gain better discernment for next time. That's just life and part of growing up. You're definately not alone *cough*...  

When you come to the time in your life where you are complete and whole on your own, lacking nothing - that is the best time to enter into a relationship if so desired, and again, the universe can and will present you a special someone when the time is right. I'm still waiting patiently by the way... ;-)  

"Consider it all joy...and let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." - James 1:2-4

Balancing Act

I have been practicing yoga for a few years now, and it never ceases to amaze me what my body is capable of doing. In particular, the balancing postures can be incredibly challenging, however, once I manage to attain the posture in perfect breath and balance – it’s quite empowering. I feel such calm and peace -  I feel strong and in control. Balance is a beautiful thing. One day while leaving my Ashtanga yoga class recently (with my blissful yoga-high I always experience) I got to thinking about how I can obtain balance in all areas of my life in order to feel that calm and empowerment at all times. Achieving balance in life is a difficult task to undertake.

I don’t think I can find one person that will tell me they aren’t busy at all in their lives. There always seems to be a multitude of things going on at any given moment. We’re all champion multi-taskers; constantly juggling our commitments, relationships, work, hobbies, and more. How does one achieve balance in this day and age? It seems nearly impossible sometimes doesn’t it?

Through my own life experiences and many tough lessons learned in values and priorities, I’ve come up with one possible solution. I believe that if you establish what the 4-quadrants of your life are, and then work to maintain an equal and appropriate balance of all 4, you will live a much happier and balanced life. Let me explain the 4-quadrants:

Physical: Your health. You are exercising regularly and eating right.

Realtionships: The quality of your relationships with friends and family.

Career: Your job and/or your education you are taking for your future career

Spirit: Your spirituality and relationship with God. The BIG picture.

If any of these 4 are out-weighing another, or if one is non-existant, I have found that it's quite difficult to achieve a sense of balance and fulfilment in your life. For example, if you work all day and then work overtime and then proceed to work for hours in the gym - your relationships tend to suffer. You have nothing left to give them after being mentally and physically drained from only 2 quadrants. Or on the other extreme, maybe you love spending time with your boyfriend/girlfriend, and now your relationship with God is suffering, or you have no spare time to take care of your body and health.

With that said, it goes without saying that there is a time and a season for everything. There will be times when it's nearly impossible to achieve a perfect balance. There are transition periods, and periods of absolute change. That's just life. The important part is that you are growing, and working towards achieving a consistent and lasting balance. The key word here is: awareness. You are aware of what choices you are making and how they effect the quality of your life.

Living an imbalanced life is truly an injustice towards yourself and the people in your life. It's without a doubt that life is precious, and far too short. Our days are numbered, and tomorrow is never guaranteed. It's crucial to establish a balance of the 4-quadrants in order to live a rich and abundant, happy and fulfilling life. Do yourself a huge favour and run an evaluation of how your 4-quadrants are doing, and then take the necessary steps to balance them; your life is waiting for you.


"The calm and balanced mind is the strong and great mind; the hurried and agitated mind is the weak one."
-Wallace D. Wattles