The Green-Eyed Monster

“Jealousy, that dragon which slays love under the pretence of keeping it alive.”       – Havelock Elis

We are all familiar with the story: Boy meets girl, they start dating, fall in love. They enjoy the warm fuzzy feelings of newfound love - the butterflies in the tummy, the excitement of new experiences, the anticipation of things to come. This is the fleeting period of time where caution is thrown to the wind and you’re head over heels in love. You feel on top of the world and enjoy the validation of your new identity as a “significant other” to someone else! Fast forward about 6 months, however, and the dynamic has changed. The butterflies in your tummy have been replaced with tight knots. The carefree feelings in your mind have been replaced with paranoia and anxiety. Jealousy has taken its toll and has poisoned your relationship. Your love starts to feed on the required sense of need and possession, as opposed to the freedom and trust it once had. Now your sense of security is at risk. The poison has clouded your judgement. You start to compare, you feel threatened, you imagine the worst-case scenario. The poison of jealousy is getting stronger, and you are teetering on the edge of being altogether toxic. There is a reason why my post, Passion/Poison has been the most-read and shared post of all time – toxic love relationships are dangerously easy to find yourself in; and jealousy is the biggest trap of all.

At its core, I believe jealousy is plainly and simply a personal insecurity. We perceive the appearance, personality, or strengths of others as threats to our own well-being. To have this distorted perception in life is to be lacking in self-worth and value. Maybe you were hurt badly in past relationships, or perhaps you are healing from growing up with an absent parent, or maybe you were wounded by addictions or abuse – the unfortunate truth of the matter is that we all have been hurt and wounded in some way, and we have the emotional scars to prove it.

The problem with letting these past hurts effect our current lives and relationships is that we choose to continue to be a victim. We continue to believe the lie that was told to us in the past that made us start to question our value and worth. You carry the lie with you into relationship after relationship, and therefore the cycle continues. You believe you are unworthy of being treated properly because you were not shown this in the past, so you believe that your partner will find someone better than you to love. This is a lie. This is a poison that will slowly but surely kill your love and your relationship. When you feel that familiar emotion of jealousy creep into your tummy – recognize right away and own the FACT that it is never about the other person, it is always about something deep inside of you that still needs to be healed. Hold yourself accountable for your reactions and turn your attention inward. Replace the lie with truth. “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” Romans 12:21

Along with insecurity, jealousy is often nothing more than the fear of abandonment. Be being jealous, we attempt to control our partner and as such prevent any possibility of getting hurt by them. In order for love to flourish, we need to allow our partner the freedom to be exactly who they are, and this includes allowing them to do anything they choose to do.  Sometimes we think we need to make our partner be a certain way in order for us to remain secure in our relationship. We try to maintain control of them with the clever use of flirting, manipulation, deceit, lies and games.  Sure, this may work temporarily, but it’s only going to get you so far before your partner starts to resent you due to their lack of freedom. Do NOT allow anyone to manipulate you in the name of love. It’s a matter of acceptance of what “is” and trusting the natural order of the universe and the will of God and His plans for you and your partner. “The one who loves you, loves you just the way you are. Because if someone wants to change you, it means you are not what that person wants. You cannot change other people. You love them or you don’t. You accept them the way they are, or you don’t. To try to change them to fit what you want them to be is like trying to change a dog for a cat, or a cat for a horse.” Don Miguel Ruiz, The Mastery of Love.

To cure jealousy is to see it for what it is – a dissatisfaction with self. Do not let this green-eyed monster poison your love and your relationship. Use every instance of jealousy in your relationship as an opportunity to turn your attention inward and heal, and to replace lies with truth. Only then will you truly be able to experience love in the way God intended it be enjoyed – love as a truly freeing and beautiful experience to be shared with not only your partner, but to everyone you encounter in the world.

"Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value.  Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you.  There is only one alternative - self-value.  If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved.  You will always think it's a mistake or luck.  Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within.  Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences.  Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security.  Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them."        ~Jennifer James

Nothing to Worry About

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength"- Corrie Ten Boom

We all worry about things from time to time.  We worry about the “what if’s” in our future and then ruminate the “should’ve, would’ve, could'ves” in our head after things happen. We tend to fear the unknown, and find ourselves playing the worst case scenario in our heads. We become consumed with attempting to control future events. We worry about things that our beyond our control.

A seemingly small worry will lead you into stress, which will snowball you into fear and will eventually catapult you into anxiety, leaving you paralyzed physically and emotionally exhausted. Worrying will quickly sap the peace right out of you. Not only that, it may prevent from you from experiencing your best life, your highest potential, and your ultimate happiness. Take for example:

Worries In your relationships  - When you worry in matters of love, you are creating fear within your heart and your relationship. Love and fear cannot co-exist. Typically, when you find yourself in love, you start to worry that this great experience will be taken away from you; you worry he/she will find someone better, you worry you are not pretty enough/thin enough/smart enough, you worry that you will get hurt. So then what happens? With this worry in your heart, you then start to FEAR. You begin to fear the worst case scenario, so you close up your heart, you attempt to control your partner – you become jealous and possessive. You become needy. You are no longer enjoying a love-filled, easy, peaceful relationship, you have succumbed to a battle of control and fear and you call it love, and guess what happens? Your fear and worry will likely lead to the demise of the relationship. "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love." 1 John 4:18

Worries in day to day life – One of my family members, God bless her heart, is consumed by fear of things that will never happen. "You can't go to Mexico – haven’t you heard about all those people that disappear?", or "You shouldn’t go that restaurant – don’t you know they don’t wash their vegetables very well?", or  "You shouldn’t drive on the highway; there are too many crazy drivers out there." Her fear unfortunately prevents her from experiencing all the joys and pleasures life has to offer. The fear of something terrible happening paralyses and restricts you to a mediocre life of routine. "For God gave us a spirit not of fear, but of power and love and self-control.” 2 Timothy 1

Worries about your life direction –  You may find yourself in worries such as these: "I don’t want to go apply to that job, I will never qualify.", or "I’m not going to talk to my boss about my concern, he probably wont care.", or "Im not going to start my own business, it will probably fail.", or "I hate my job but its comfortable, to try something new is too scary and difficult.", or  "I don’t want to take that big risk because what if it doesn’t work out." We worry so much that we miss out on all the opportunities and blessings that are offered to you. Every moment of every day, you are making choices that will either lead you closer to your highest level of purpose and happiness, or steer you away from it.  "The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one."  - Elbert Hubbard

The things we worry and fear about are the very things that may lead you into a  loving and joyous relationship, an exciting new adventure and experience, or a new promising direction in your life. God created this magnificent land for us to enjoy! He wants you to live a good, pleasing, abundant and joyous life and He gives you every opportunity to attain that. So the only question is… what’s holding you back? ;)

 

The Doorway

So here you are. You went through all the stages of grief, you did your self-reflection and analysis, you regained your emotional independence, and you are now strong and confident. You have positive people in your life and you are happy again. For some reason, however, something is still off. You don't quite know what it is. You feel like your heart is open, but something is just not quite right. You don't feel as loving and lovable as you should be  My friend, I've got news for you: your doorway is blocked.

A blocked doorway is a concept my friend and I devised to better comprehend a common scenario we ran into from time to time. Basically, it means that there is a something in the way; something or someone is disallowing your heart to truly be open. Oftentimes you don't even know your doorway is blocked, so you continue to make certain choices and repeat certain behaviours not realizing they are keeping you from fully opening your heart.

Once you understand what/who is blocking your doorway, you have the power to drastically change your circumstances. I know of some pretty incredible stories of women who removed the stubborn doorway-blockers from their lives and then went on rather quickly to find love again, or true happiness and fulfillment.

Here are the 2 most common doorway blockers:

Doorway Blocker #1 - The ex-factor: You still have an attachment to your ex-partner. He/she is standing in your doorway and blocking anyone else from coming in. As much you want to move on and develop feelings for other people in your life now, it's impossible.

You may be physically attached still - using their bodies to comfort you "in the meantime" until you find someone new. You crave the familiarity so you succumb to the arrangement of "friends with benefits". Not only is this incredibly immature and immoral, it's actually delaying the whole process of moving on in the first place. The longer you stay attached to someone who is wrong for you the longer it's going to take for you to create space in your life and heart for love again, with someone who may be right for you.

You also may be emotionally attached to them still. If you are not physically with them anymore - you still secretly long for reconciliation. You play the "what ifs" over and over in your head. You are convinced that once you do A, B, and C it will magically work out and you will be happy and together again. You play over a dream scenario in your head and convince yourself that in time he/she will come to their senses one day and want you back. It's time to  free yourself emotionally from this person and create that open space in your heart.

Doorway Blocker #2 - The fear-factor: Your fear can show up wearing many different masks. It shows up as anxiety, over-analyzing, skepticism, and worrying. Also, sometimes we are so TERRIFIED that we set unrealistic expectations for your potential mates to meet. You'll think of a millions reasons why it would never work out, not realizing it is your own fear that is disallowing you to take a risk and approach this person with an open your heart. I should mention, this is completely separate from having non-negotiable standards (as in, they must share the same faith as you, they must not smoke or do drugs, and other non-negotiables as the case may be). But if you find yourself using excuses like "well he's not my type" "She doesn't like the same sports I do", or "he wears funny shoes", or "he doesn't have a six-pack, this will never work". That is likely your fear talking. Apart from your non-negotiables, it's truly beneficial to meet people out of your familiar comfort-zone. Your "type" may not have been working for you. Time to open your mind a bit. Kick the fear out of the doorway; it's blocking any good from getting in.

Unblocking your doorway isn't easy, it takes a lot of courage, especially if it means you need to make a drastic change in your life. But you can do this! Don't let anyone or anything stand in the way of reaching your goals and dreams. Be courageous. Be strong. And do everything with love. (1 Corinthians 16:13). Do a quick evaluation of your choices and behavior and ask yourself if you have any stubborn doorway blockers you need to get rid of and keep that door wide open, because really - if you create any open space in your life, love will eventually fill it.

    "Think about any attachments that are depleting

your emotional reserves. Consider letting them go."